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Aliens Trump Underachievement

The match-up between Andy Bernard and Ellie Arroway proved to be a spirited one, but when it was over, Cornell’s top dog had been alienated from the competition by the ET-encountering scientist from MIT.

Ellie Arroway from Contact.

This week’s votes saw no shortage of discussion about typical housemate concerns:

  • Can one anger management course cure volatility?
  • How do you regard alien houseguests?
  • Does a sweet a cappella voice boost your street cred?
  • Are food words ever acceptable nicknames?

It came down to substance of character, work habits, and the promise of great conversation, and MIT recovered from its shocking loss last week to win over the judges up the river and deal Cornell a big upset.

Say the Harvard judges:

“Clearly, MIT and Cornell alumni have done their due diligence in considering all the arguments for and against Andy and Ellie. Andy’s visiting a cappella singing pals would encourage any roommate to look for intelligent life outside the home. However, Ellie does appear to be prepared to administer a terrifying and thorough probing of your personal spaces.

“We at the Harvard Alumni Association tend to agree with the MIT critics: Andy’s insecurities, sarcasm, neediness, volatility, and underwhelming career choice (especially given his excellent academic credentials) make him the lesser candidate. Ellie all the way! Who could say no to a passionate, workaholic innovator, who is clean and tidy, whom you will only see when she steps away from her work to enjoy a cocktail and some out-of-this-world conversation?”

Here are some of the noteworthy MIT votes, as selected by the Harvard judges:

“If Andy was your housemate, he would bring over annoying a cappella singing friends to rehearse. If Ellie was your housemate, she would bring over the first ALIEN SPECIES that the human race has ever had contact with!!! Yeah, sorry, aliens are just a tad more cool and interesting…” —Christian

“Ellie would be so busy working you wouldn’t even notice her, it would be like having your own place. Andy however would always be around annoying you and wanting to be your best friend, naming you “Lasagna” just because you had it for dinner the first night you moved in…. how annoying would that be?!?” —Linda

“I think that Ellie would bring home the best new toys to play with. Alien wormhole generators, new computers, new alloys, even the clothes are stylin’.” —Joe

“Want someone to figure out how to chill a beer in 5 seconds? Ellie. Want someone that may have trouble opening a beer? Andy. Ellie, best housemate, ever!” —Dennis

“Ellie can also talk from experience about the great mysteries of the universe. What a dinner conversation!” —Dan

“If I wanted a snarky, videogame playing, tantrum throwing roommate, I could just go look for any idiot off Craigslist.” —Bob

“Let’s see, live with a person that sells paper in Scranton, PA, or someone that travels the world, and the universe. That’s easy Ellie. I’d have the house to myself most of the time, and when she does come back, the stories she’ll have. Ellie, it’s an easy choice!” —the Alchemist

“Which would you rather tell people: My roommate is an astronomer from MIT involved in the construction of a space travel device vs. I live with a middle aged guy who works for a Scranton paper company who can’t stop talking about how he went to Cornell?” —Dean

“Andy would give you annoying nicknames like big tuna and refer to himself in 3rd person as nard-dawg.” —Funkadelicaa

Of course, Cornellians are ardent supporters of Bernard, and the judges found many of their votes compelling:

“Bernard looks far more friendly and welcoming. Arroway looks prepared to administer a deep cavity search, what with the gloves and flashlight and all.” —Jack

“He’s also musical, so you needn’t waste time or money going to a concert, just have Andy sing a cappella or play an instrument for you.” —Brittany

“What if the aliens came back and mistook you for Ellie? (who knows if aliens can tell humans apart)—I don’t think I’d sleep well with her as a roommate. Andy would probably wake you up with a song—a much better way to wake up than alien abduction.” —Kristin

“Here comes treble!!! Andy’s smooth singing would fill the house with Christmas cheer.” —eeljm

Check back next Monday, Dec. 12, for the third quarterfinal match-up in a battle of the world-savers: Tony Stark vs. David Levinson. They might both be from MIT, but this is a good time for Cornell to think strategically for later rounds of the tournament. 

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  • Congrats, Tony Stark!

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